June 7, 2016
For some time now, I’ve sort of just quit sleeping. I almost always fall asleep quickly. But I wake up after just a little time and then lie there and churn.
When I fall back to sleep, I wake up after a brief time, lie there for a while, fall back to sleep, wake up, lie there. You get the routine. And, yeah, insert a joke here about trips to the bathroom, although I’m sick of politicians talking about bathrooms.
I’ve been pretty tired on many days for a long time. So if you heard me say something you thought was dumb or that you disagreed with, well, it had to be because I was just exhausted.
I decided to see if medical science could help. I went to a doctor specializing in sleep. He gave me a contraption that I had to tape on my chest and neck, wrap around my wrist and attach to two fingers. The doctor told me to sleep in it. I wasn’t able to sleep before and I couldn’t imagine sleeping in this rig. (By the way, removing medical adhesive tape and not an insubstantial amount of hair from my chest is as close as I’ll ever come to a waxing.)
I wore the ridiculous thing for a long night. The sleep doctor told me that the little booger revealed I have sleep apnea. He said I was waking myself up about 26 times an hour by basically choking.
He prescribed a CPAP machine for me to sleep in. CPAP stands for constant positive airway pressure. I have to wear a headgear that has a little deal that fits over my nose, which is connected to a tube that is connected to an air machine. The machine blows a shocking amount of air directly into my nose. By turning my nose and throat into a wind tunnel, it keeps my airway open and I supposedly will not choke and wake up so much. All it did was cause me to forget how to breathe when I first put it on.
I’ve had it for a few days. I may be getting used to breathing like Darth Vader and looking like Bane from Batman.
Here’s a selfie from the first time I put this crazy thing on:
Really? You thought I’d post a picture of the real me wearing that so it would be on the Internet forever? Ha!